i stay here

holiday part 1

chuajiaen — Tue, 11 May 2010 13:55:07 +0000

ive learnt that money in my hands disappear really fast.no idea how it happens so quickly but fosho i know what ive been spending on.they all look like mini mini expenditures but somehow they just add up to a lot hahahahah

shucks

it’s like life i reckon.all the small small things which accumulate and become big.

like habits,like memories,like relationships,like emotions,like money,like with God.

falling away has no levels,you dont bypass barrier after barrier,it’s like free fall but then to get far with God,to know him so much better,there’s actually so much to do.so many old habits to lose.ah

it’s like spending money

you get the metaphor hahahah

i must/will get back on track.quiet time everyday yeah.and prayer.and well just make sure i do the best i can.mm

it took me an entire uni year to realise ive failed.i never rebounded, just well further down

the wtv stage,NOT WORKING

coming back on thurs night guyzz,see y’all soon!

xoxo

housework sucks

chuajiaen — Mon, 03 May 2010 07:28:28 +0000

i hate not having a maid around.sweeping the floor using a broom really sucks hahahaha all the dust gets stuck onto it !! better start whipping out the vacuum cleaner although it has never been usedd ah well.

i baked independently on saturday,made 3-coloured vanilla cupcakes

theyre pretty but not fluffy enough,i’ll work on it later,i just bought nutella and cocoa powder.i wonder what van wants to bakeee!

on another note,

IM GOING TO MELBOURNE TONIGHT,please dont miss my pretty face.

and im too scared to check my gpa and im too elitist for my own good cos i think nsks are lousy

HAHA.

xoxo

ladies never lose composure

chuajiaen — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 12:00:44 +0000

i will become a lady.it’ll be my summer resolution. (i will need to pack my wardrobe too i reckon) need to decide what i want and what i dont quite want and then inform my friends.and then hope that they’ll buy my old clothes so i can shop moreeee. (but i still feel that everything’s quite very essential /: )

ahh cant wait for may 3.
then i’ll leave it all behind and experience a whole new world. will i miss home? i dont think so. do i feel bad about it? yes. somehow i never miss home,dont like staying at home. i just always feel fat,ugly and disgusting when i stay home for a day. be it to study or to just bum around, i will need to step out of the house somehow. it’s suffocating. it’s tiring. it doesnt feel as right as it should be. maybe this is not my home. it is just where im housed at. gotta find my home. before that, ive gotta graduate from university, get a job, earn a good pay, then i can find my way home.

you think i can bypass this physical home?

what do you feel when people praise you?happy?yes i guess. aware? very much so. what do they want out of it? i dont know. but i know it’ll surface eventuallyyyy. is there an altruistic praise? maybe, rare though. it really depends on who praises you. intentions, doubts, second guesses. oh boy! really tiring this game is. if you ask me for advice or whine about it, i’ll tell you suck it up that’s life,you cant escape it. i know how tough it is to try to escape.

oh another note, it’s SUMMERRRRRRRR :D :D :D take the chance, be an escapist, for a day or two. be warned though, it is rather addictive.

stay safe friends!

xoxo

i dont ever want to walk this earth solo

chuajiaen — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 10:26:30 +0000

i dont know why it’s so difficult to not do it,i guess i was happy for a split second before i regretted it,when i was typing..my mind blank.WHY !! it’s been a month ALREADY.

stupidity, inescapable
blindness, inherent
hope,

never no more.

ahhh so damn lazy,thank goodness it’s gym training,or maybe not so mm

be back laterrr

/edit

why cant it stop.i think everyone should have less emotions,have their minds messed up a lil more,do more trashy things and graduate from uni with a better gpa.staying proper,sincere and loyal just makes you inhibited.it distracts you from your studies.HAHAH

you think?

ah i like this new songg.Breath slow by Alesha Dixon (:

“All my emotions go out of control. Good for you, bad for me.”

maybe you should stop thinking,stop feeling messed up,if you ignore how much you’ve change from before,you let people know the new you,and then it wouldnt matter would it.you dont really need to get un-spoilt from the past,i say,youre just making excuses.if you wanna say no,say no.
hahah so much angstt. screw you,you who spoil people.screw the already unspoilt ones.hopefully you neutralise each other.it’s more fun that way.

woohoo breakfast!

xoxo

why am i so happy

chuajiaen — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 00:14:23 +0000

HAPPPY I AM,I AM HAPPY,AM I HAPPY,HAPPY AM I,AM HAPPY I,I HAPPY AM

hm.i reckon it’s cos im running on adrenaline or something.havent slept at all.but i dont wanna sleep cos i know once i do,no more breakfast at demsey for me.

should i reapply for law school again?

shucks,i kinda wish i never dropped out,why did i make such a superficial decision,why did i even try to convince i made the better choice.im not saying i regret year 1 but maybe i couldve trusted myself to have better time management.i couldve done it,if i allowed myself to try.
always so rash.dont think i thought more than twice.
now i am more somber, reality kicks me in the shin.FAIL.phuck.what am i doinggg.

nevermind,i shall go pick a dress for breakfast now,will think about my future tonight.there’s no need to be so intense, yes?

need to finish my CT now and then learning journal tonight.

school work sucks ):

xoxo

now that it’s all over

chuajiaen — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 00:28:30 +0000

like fireworks,it came with a boom,died so fast.im happy i reckon,you think i was ever into it that much?

at least it wasnt wishy washy,at least i can stop guessing,at least now no one can say i was overthinking it.
do i really want to say,”see i told you!”

with that aside,contact rugby training has also come to a close.got kicked in the chin,and a leg’s full of bruises to remind me that i have had enough fun.time to buck up now.find a corner in the library,stuff my head into my books.

hate that stupid lorry which tried to cut 3 lanes,it’s a personal bias but i dont quite like foreign (hard labour) workers in Singapore.most annoying the hell out of me. they stare and they stare. it’s quite revolting.yucks.but i guess, if they dont do the work we dont wanna do then no one would do it.

SHUCKS.

but argh so annoying.stupid lorry tried to cut 3 lanes coming out of a side lane.took so super duper long to cut,and cost me that 1 minute.and then the erp light came on,IN MY FACE.pissed beyond all.but i couldnt shout at the stupid lorry RAHHH

angry.

xoxo

Second

chuajiaen — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 11:53:34 +0000

dont like being the latter.the one that comes after.the one who takes in the aftermath.the one who suffers the repercussions.
i am nobody’s booty call.

maybe that’s why they always say ‘keep an open mind’.your past closes your mind.shuts it down to new people.youre jaded.everyone’s just like those from your past.you dont want to relive it.that’s why your past stays your past.
‘see why i forgot?’

maybe you will get over it someday,but you’ll never forget.and then people of the present who try to enter your life realise theyre refused entry.otherwise theyre treated like theyre someone else from your past.
it’s not fair.

i always make the wrong decisions.and then regret them.and then i convince myself that if i decided otherwise,it wouldve been worse.and then i realise.maybe it’s just me.maybe i dont know what im alive.maybe i will just waste my life away and it wouldnt make a difference anyhow.
how do i live my life any other way?

xoxo

WHY DO I CARE ):

chuajiaen — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 14:15:41 +0000

i dont get it,why should i care,why would i care,it shouldnt bother me that he’s not texting nor replying nor picking up my calls.like disappearing,but then why do i care.i wish i werent thinking the worse of it.maybe he doesnt want to pick up my call,worse still something bad happened.
i reallly realllly cross my fingers and hope he’s prolly just ignoring me.i’ll turn off my phone now,maybe when i turn it on after 10mins i’ll receive something.

and then school isnt exactly working out for me now.a B+ cos i made 3 grammatical mistakes,just dont make sense to me.this is disgusting,i hate the grading system in school.i hate how everyone’s caught up with their gpa.practically,it makes sense,no doubt about that at all.but if you ask me,there’s more to life than that and it’s a pity not everyone can indulge in life and still allow their gpa to be tiptop.

im distracted.im not thinking straight now.im just waiting for that one text,or maybe a call,or for him to just appear online.just show me that nothing happened.
there wasnt supposed to be anything.i hope there still isnt.otherwise,i lose.

xoxo

granted.

chuajiaen — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 22:53:45 +0000

i reckon things really mean more when they are more rare. you sorta can tell, it is very obvious in my case. i put in a larger amount of effort to maintain my friendships which go beyond this border. even in their last week in Singapore, i very apparently spend more time with them already. so the next time you want to see me,just tell me youre leaving for exchange soon (:

the past few days have been a struggle,i feel so urgh

i hate expectations.they always seems to disappoint cos of incomplete information from various sources.hope is seriously the most expensive commodity around.people invest so much in it,yet it is so rare.

i really cross my fingers.no.bad.news.please.

On the verge of giving up, but will things turn around the moment i do? I can always count on bad timing to remind me that this is life.

leave?zero options.

xoxo

going out of control

chuajiaen — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 17:25:12 +0000

i refuse to admit that im a spendthrift. i refuse to acknowledge i dont know the worth of money. i dont want to think i spend money as if sprinkling water off my hands.

SHUCKS

ive really been too caught up. too many of such people who get access to money and cash so easily. i forget my parents actually work very hard for that cash, i forget that money isnt really easy to come by. i guess i grew up taking things for granted, my appetite getting more and more insatiable. the things i want getting bigger and more.

maybe it was a good wake up call, time to start being mature about money, time to not want so much, time to not need to conform anymore. THIS MUST STOP.

that being said,im still pissed about being told off.hahahah

it’s been quite a week i must say,so many people ive met up with,so many friends i found out more about,friends came and some other left,will be missing a lot more people after all the aus flights flyyy

I'LL SEEE YOU IN APRIL NURULHUDA BTE AHMAD <3<3

CANT WAIT FOR SUMMERRR,
COME SOON PLEASEEE

i still want to escape this space.
save me.

xoxo